Upcoming TV programmes to look forward to

Having seen quite a lot of television over the year I got wondering what to expect in the coming 12 months. Thankfully I have discovered some of the joys to look forward to:


Justin Lee Collins Extreme Pogo : The nation's loved JLC goes about the UK challenging members of the public to take "the Pogo challenge". People will be encouraged to dress up as wacky characters and can win a ticket to be in the audience of JLC's next show.

JLC meets JLS: The nation's loved Justin Lee Collins meets boyband JLS with hilarious results as he conducts a 15 part interview detailing their career and haircuts interspersed with comedic segments with the live studio audience

Climate Change: Jeremy Clarkson stars in this show where for 1 hour every week he sits in a different American muscle car and revs the engine continuously while laughing at those "liberal lefties".

Cobbler of the year: From the same team that brought you the award winning BBC3 "Butcher of the year" comes this exciting competition to establish who REALLY is the best cobbler in the UK. with various challenges from seeing who can put a heel back on a shoe the fastest and who can cut the most keys in 3 minutes, drama and high suspense is guaranteed.

Make the story: Max Clifford presents this fantastic programme with contestants aspiring to create the most believable fake story. They are then printed in the national press with the winner being the person who manages to do a "John Leslie".

The Running Man: Gameshow inspired by the movie with asylum seekers replacing convicted criminals as the participants. Pitting the contestants into a gauntlet of gladiatorial battles with the winners being given British citizenship. Can our daring combatants survive and gain the right to be brainwashed by X Factor against the likes of Buzzsaw and Dynamo? Sponsorship by the Daily Mail already secured.

Take my Journey: Dermot O'leary tours the country looking for 18-24 year olds to tell them of their "journey" to background music such as Keane, Take That and Leona Lewis. See young men break down and cry as they tell the struggle of taking a bus while knowing their kid brother has one leg and their mother died 7 years previously. Viewers are then invited to vote for the most pathetic (read: "popular and deserving"). The winner then gets a recording contract worth £1 million.

James Corden's Shite on a stick: Convinced that the public will watch anything with "renowned funny man" James Corden, ITV have commissioned a show where James will place his excrement on a stick and wave it in the faces of the live audience and various celebrity guests. There is no competition and no winners. The editors expect large sponsorship income for this project.

I truly fear what other gems of programmes we'll be afflicted with in the coming year. I just hope Facebook can create a filter allowing people to block posts containing keywords.

Happy new year people

My top 5 films of the year

Well I promised I'd do it but rather than spend 5 minutes thinking of it I thought I'd spend a bit of time coming up with my definitive list. Overall it has been a decent year for films with the highs being as good as anything released over the past decade. There have been various lows as well but lets not dwell on those. Have a read and let me know what you think on Facebook.

5: Kick-Ass
Kick-Ass is the first of two comic book adaptations in my top 5. Originally devised by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr (and adapted by Jane Goldman and Mathew Vaughn) the strongest aspect of this film is easily the script. Tight, witty dialogue permeates the entire film and any film that has Nick Cage doing a good turn has to be brilliant. With imaginative set pieces and strong performances throughout, this is a film I will gladly watch again and again.


4: The Road
This film was released at the start of the year and has stood up against pretty much everything else that has came out since. "Bleak" only begins to describe how dark this film is and I still remember the atmosphere in the cinema as the end credits began to roll (there was a loud collective sigh and the general feeling someone had just died). A trully stunning piece of cinema and more than worthy of a watch (though expect a tough ride)


3: Scott Pilgrim Vs The World
Scott Pilgrim Vs the World is a peculiar film. A film that is quite apart from anything that has came before it. A comic book adaptation that is more like watching someone play a video game than anything else. Edgar Wright has created a particular visual style with this film that has the sounds pretty much coming alive and directly towards you (this film could have worked as well in 3D as any film brought out in that medium). The sound and music in this is what makes the film what it is. The Beck scored Sex Ba-Bomb tracks along with clever choices for licensed tracks give the film an unmistakable character and really help make the film what it is. Special mentions to Chris Evans and Kieran Culken. Both pretty much steal the whole film.

2: Toy Story 3
Toy Story 3 is a film that manages that rare feat of being a sequel that is at least as good as the original and the Toy Story trilogy surely has to go down as one of the strongest trilogies of all time. This was a film that managed to appeal to both adults and children at the same time and dealt with themes of growing up (and out of use) and the idea of not being needed any more (themes few film makers would even consider putting into a kids film). Put simply, this is an awesome film and one that will help the Toy Story trilogy go down as one of the all-time classics.

1: Inception
So my film of the year? Well it had to be "Inception". A blockbuster with brains was how a lot of people coined it and, in truth, it's not far wrong. In an age where all we seem to get are sequels for Transformers and Pirates of the Caribbean this was simply refreshing. A plot that deserved repeat viewing, enough action to satisfy most and strong performances from all involved in it, this film for me is the best thing since "There Will Be Blood" and it's possibly even better than that.

An Alternative Top 5 goals of the year

Now when people do these sorts of things they always throw out specials by messi, Ronaldo etc but I thought I'd throw out a few awesome goals that won't be looked at for the Puskas award. These are in no particular order.

Martin Morel




Deportivo Cali vs America de Cali 2m25 in. Quick thinking opportunism + technique = this.


Raul



Schalke vs bayern. Raul showing he still has it


Ezequiel Calvente



Spain U21 vs Italy U21. Normally you wouldn't see a penalty anywhere near a top 5 anything (apart from top 5 penalties perhaps). This is a bit special though


Johan Elmander



Wolves vs Bolton. Elmander showing he has "good feet for a big man"

Patric




Avai vs Internacional. This is the goal that Wenger dreams his team scoring. Brilliant passing and some finish